Category: Humor

A Charlie Brown Christmas – The Dancers

Thanksgiving Week is here…when Mrs. B and I acknowledge Christmas is not that far off. I have mentioned previously my dislike of Christmas “moving back” in the calendar. We love Christmas. We just don’t love it being promoted during the summer. I love me some Halloween first…and Pumpkin Spice…and leaves. But I digress…

One of my earliest and most cherished childhood memories was seeing the Charlie Brown Christmas special each year. To this very day, I consider no Holiday season complete unless I watch it again. If you feel the same, you may be interested in hunting down a copy of the most comprehensive book on the show I know of, “A Charlie Brown Christmas – The Making Of A Tradition,” which was first published back in October, 2000. It is a fantastic behind-the-scenes look at the genesis, production, and presentation of this historic piece of television born from the legendary comic strip, “Peanuts.”

On the morning of Christmas Day 2015, the data-themed website known as FiveThirtyEight posted a feature entitled “The ‘Charlie Brown Christmas Special’ Dancers You Most Want To Party With.” It was co-written by Walt Hickey and Leah Libresco. These two really put a fun spin on this classic episode of television that day, and hopefully you’ll enjoy it being replicated here.

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It’s a debate as old as time — or, at least as old as 1965’s “A Charlie Brown Christmas Special.” Of the many revelers throwing down sick moves to “Linus & Lucy” by The Vince Guaraldi Trio, who would you most like to party with? So as part of our Christmas Special Thunderdome, we set them up in a series of head-to-head battles and asked voters to decide the winner. Here they are, ranked by the percentage of matchups each won:

11. Sally (30 percent)

Walt: Sally is trying.

Leah: She’s kind of in her own space, having a good time but not drawing me in.

Walt: Nice little one-two step, you know? Basic moves, trucking right along. Go Sally. We have all been there.

10. The Girl In Green (30 percent)

Leah: These are pretty hesitant moves, but if she did this with a little more force, she could be rocking a bullfighting/paso doble thing.

Walt: Right, so I have a specific love for the girl in green, mainly because I, like most people, have been to a middle school dance. This is the dance that you do before your friend in the eighth grade tells you to stop using your arms so much.

Leah: My default in those moments was the Twist.

Walt: My default was “I want to punch the air, but the air right above my head, in particular.” I don’t really disagree with this ranking, but I admit I see far too much of my younger self in the girl in green.

Leah: Just so you know, the usual instruction for stage punches is “Punch a parrot on the shoulder of your scene partner.” You’re pretty close.

9. Pig-Pen (33 percent)

Leah: On the one hand, you get joyful abandon (plus he’s a musician). On the other hand, you get a dirt cloud even worse than when I hang around smoker friends.

Walt: I worry Pig-Pen may have been disadvantaged by the question.

Leah: How so?

Walt: We asked, “who would you most like to party with?” And the answer is never the filthy bassist, you know?

8. Schroeder (41 percent)

Leah: I mean, it’s clear Schroeder doesn’t want to party with us, so this 41 percent must be the ones who like ‘em coy.

Walt: “I’d never join any club that would have me as a member” is Schroeder’s motto. As far as he is concerned, he’s just playing a bit of piano, the party just comes to him.

Leah: Personally, I’d leave him to Lucy.

7. Linus (48 percent)

Walt: Now we’re getting somewhere. Linus knows what’s up. This is exactly how I dance to “Get Low.”

Leah: Gotta say, I think there are some good opportunities for partner dance with the blanket. I have some swing moves I could adapt.

Walt: Unpolished, but going for it. I think Linus is underrated.

Leah: I’ll party with him if our readers won’t.

6. The Girl With Red Hair (49 percent)

Leah: I am, of course, in favor of Frieda, because like her I have naturally curly hair. Unlike her, I have (I think) other distinguishing traits.

Walt: She looks like she’s swinging a person around but forgot to get a person. Appropriately rated.

Leah: I am a fan of her exuberance. Minimalism is only for experts.

5. The Dude In Green (54 percent)

Walt: I love this dude.

Leah: Nice moves, but feels more like a soloist than someone I’m going to dance with.

Walt: Right, like when a random circle opens up on the dance floor, you know this guy would think “my moment has arrived,” and just slay it in the center.

Leah: Exactly. But not the guy I want to spend the whole party with.

Walt: No way. Michael Jackson was lost and alone in 1982, waiting for his next big dance, and then on comes “A Charlie Brown Christmas Special” and presumably the rest is Moonwalk history. True story that I just made up.

4. Snoopy (59 percent)

Walt: WAY OVERRATED.

Leah: I mean, not as great here, but he’s got a pair of aviator goggles.

Walt: Leah, listen to the song “Linus and Lucy,” there is not a guitar part.

Leah: He’s in deep cover to catch the Red Baron’s agents?

Walt: There are two strings on his guitar, Leah. This is a dog phoning it in. He shows up to your party and sits in the corner and says “Hey, do y’all know ‘Wonderwall’?” and drinks all your Bud Heavy.

3 and 2. The Girls In Pink (64 percent and 65 percent)

girl_in_pink

girl_in_pink2

Leah: So, twins, I guess.

Walt: I normally hate arbitrarily lumping twins together — they’re two separate people with rich and distinct inner lives! — but this is either some twin coordination or a hungover animator.

Leah: They’ve got my favorite moves on the floor, so if anyone was going to be copy-and-pasted.

Walt: There’s so much nuance in the moves! At first, you just think, “Oh, they’re waving their arms around,” but then you see the footwork.

Leah: The double taps!

Walt: This was “whip my hair back and forth” decades before Willow dropped the track.

1. This Guy In The Orange (75 percent)

Leah: See, this is the kind of dancer who can pull off minimalist moves.

Walt: The only reason I would not want this guy at my party is he would hook up with everyone.

Leah: So, are you against meritocracy, Walt?

Walt: Far from it, just intimidated by greatness. This man is a force of nature. Look at the footwork!

Leah: It’s great top to bottom. But not as aggressively showy as the guy in green. If only we knew the name of this background guy to send him an invite to the office bash.

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After looking over all these entries, I do think two best represent how I worked the floor during my peak dancing years. Early at the club or a party…my moves resembled Linus. By the end of the night…The Dude In Green.

Charles Schulz, the genius behind “Peanuts,” was born in Minneapolis, Minnesota on November 26, 1922. His comic strip has meant so much to so many people of all ages over all these years…including this memorable Christmas classic. Happy Birthday, Charles…and thank you!

Pictures Courtesy Amazon/FiveThirtyEight

College Hoops – Meet Me In March

I consider myself fortunate to have a spouse who loves watching all types of sports. There is only one sport she does not particularly like. Basketball.

That is unfortunate, because for all my life college basketball has pretty much been my favorite sport. Aside from fantasy football…which is another story…and not a sport.

(There is no truth to the rumor she auditioned for the role that eventually went to Rerun in Peanuts…)

She pretty much takes a pass on college basketball…until March Madness (both the Men’s and Women’s editions) come around. And dear reader, I am more than aware many of you feel the same way…if you care for the sport at all. I am convinced everyone I know finds college hoops starting at the beginning of November a complete non-event. Hell, most people do not even know college basketball has started up again until they see these huge scores roll across their screen during football games and say, “whoa, that’s a lot of points…oh, it was a basketball game.”

I have known for a long time I am an outlier when it comes to attaching any significance to the start of the college hoops season. March Madness is the only “season” of college basketball most people care about.

It is hard to fault our national championship tournaments for that. While I am in the large minority who care about college hoops from November through March, I consider myself in the large majority who feel March Madness is just about the most exciting post-season in all of sports.

Of course, as with most things we like these days, people with lots of money and power are trying to ruin things…in this instance increase the number of teams that qualify for the Madness, hoping to flood the qualifying field further with power conference teams and keep smaller schools from having access to the tournament…as if those wealthy programs do not already own ridiculously significant leverage.

It is not breaking news, but those employed by power conference universities could care less what you and I think about keeping March Madness in its current construction of 68 teams (which of course should still be a perfect bracket of 64 teams, but I digress). Their jobs involve making as much money for their conferences. Period.

The geographical fabric of college sports was shredded from all the money-chasing conference realignment chaos, and these geniuses are now equally willing to ignore any fallout from making March Madness a bloated mess…as long as the next giant check for the media rights to distribute the additional games clears the bank. They didn’t have a problem blowing up rivalries, increasing travel, and putting the screws to fans when it comes to football kickoff dates and times, so they won’t have any issues reworking March Madness to further favor affluent programs. And, the large majority of money these schools have are funneled to their football program…then a little bit gets distributed to basketball…and ALL the rest of their sponsored sports are left to fight over pennies…as well as fight for their very survival, of course.

But I digress again. The college basketball regular season features over 350 schools playing for a chance to be a part of March Madness. Truly, it is madness to try and follow all the teams…all the games. I do think that is a huge reason why people dismiss the sport’s regular season. Aside from following your favorite team, maybe you can also keep tabs on their conference teams. Or, maybe you can just follow games involving the top-ranked teams. But it is not possible to keep up with it all, and so people just let November through February college hoops all sort itself out. Most general sports fans don’t consider college basketball back until the final commercial airs during the Super Bowl post-game show.

And that is ok with me. I am not the least bit offended by people tuning out a sport with that many teams competing in games daily from November through February until it gets whittled down to the chosen ones who compete in March.

Even with the afore-mentioned challenges collegiate athletics faces these days, I have been rolling with the numerous changes and trying to find joy where I can. Am I upset about the end of amateurism? No, because top players were getting compensated under-the-table previously. The pay-for-play system has however created a bidding war the smaller schools will never win. The uneven playing field has never been tipsier. My biggest gripe is not athletes are getting paid over-the-table. It is instead the loss of what I would call the “spirit” of college athletics.

The connection between athletes and schools is fading fast as players transfer yearly chasing more playing time…and more money. While it was inevitable college athletes were finally going to be compensated, those who run college athletics dropped the ball by not maintaining guardrails regarding the number of seasons one can compete in, as well as the number of times one can switch schools without having to hit pause on your eligibility.

It is the non-stop revolving door of player movement from school to school that really impacts college hoops because of the significantly smaller rosters, and what I consider optimal team continuity. Each year now, college basketball squads show up for the start of Fall practice with name tags. When playing basketball, I always valued having a majority of our roster be players who had been together for (at least) a couple of seasons, and considered familiarity a big advantage over teams who were not returning as many players.

I was listening to my go-to college hoops podcast. One of the hosts volunteered he talked to a men’s head coach recently, asking him when does he start thinking about what he would need for next season’s squad. His response…he needed to start planning for next season after the first game of the year…because he knew players who did not start in his team’s opener would start looking for the exits for a place to play next season. Some players leave their teams shortly after the season starts to maintain their eligibility for next year…at yet another school.

(Sidebar – While it is pretty much impossible in the current climate to do so, I did learn the Marquette women’s team is returning every player from last season’s squad…kudos to Big East Coach of the Year Cara Consuegra for that accomplishment)

This is the cold reality of the collegiate sports landscape, not just college basketball. Yet, I will stubbornly be watching college basketball through the cold months ahead while looking forward to March…when fans who only enjoy the “second season” of college hoops come aboard for the rest of the journey.

Pictures Courtesy United Feature Syndicate

The Voice Of Halloween

 

This little dude entered our household ten years ago. Five years ago, his life changed a bit as he lost his voice. Now to be honest, he did not produce a bat sound…or a particularly scary sound at that. It was more of a “whirr.” Nonetheless, when we purchased him to add to our internal Halloween decorations, when squeezed he produced a mighty, hearty “whirr.”

We still put him out each Halloween, and when I look at him, I will sometimes find myself mumbling that “whirr” sound to myself. It serves as a reminder even if a part of something (of us!) no longer functions as originally designed, it (we!) still has (have!) great value.

I have recently read a few things online which make me think his voice box could be successfully brought back to life, but he already provides for us just by hanging out and being a bat. I am somewhat hesitant to start busting his seams open and performing open bat surgery just to hear a sound I am already making myself.

I think sometimes in our pursuit of perfectionism we can get too zealous and not leave well enough alone. For example, when you go to trim your eyebrows to perfection and think maybe the right side needs just a little more off…wait, back to the left side to even it up…wait…what the hell did I just do to my eyebrows?

Or, when your wife decides the holly bushes need a trim and she sets out to just take a “little” off. These two look good…let me even them up with those over here…oh, maybe a little less back here now…oops…honey?

(On a side-note, I find it amusing my wife has no issue whatsoever with the high-pitched screaming of the hedge trimmer, or the relentless chugging of the snow blower. She loves using those power tools. Yet, she rails against the relatively low sound the mini-vacuum makes. I have formed an opinion she does not like vacuuming. In any case, her passion for power tools keeps me honest…and volunteering to do the vacuuming myself…)

Bat-dude will continue to take his place each Halloween, having successfully pivoted to a “new” life. And…on Halloween night he will stand in attendance as trick-or-treaters visit our home. We usually get 80-100 kids each year. A lot of them travel with adults, and it is nice to see families still supporting a tradition I have always held dear to my heart. Traditions seem to be so much harder to maintain today. I would like to think opening our door on Halloween gives voice to those who want to see this tradition of the holiday continue, but can no longer participate themselves.

Aside from making it a special evening for the kids, it is a chance for all of us who wave hello at a distance 364 days of the year to interact a bit more closely, if only for a few moments. Most households have their outdoor lights on and doors open, and it is nice people who might disagree on other subjects (especially these days) find common ground in trying to make Halloween special for our youth…and hopefully for ourselves as well.

Whether it be watching a scary movie, noshing on some candy, participating in a costume party, waiting on the Great Pumpkin, or just enjoying the decorations…have a safe and Happy Halloween.

Pictures Courtesy IMDb/Wikipedia

itsy bitsy baddie

i have an increased desire for finding more amusement these days. the reason is as simple as in a world gone completely mad, it is really nice on occasion to find something surprising that also makes me smile.

i am fortunate enough to be able to spend some of my money on coffee, and equally as fortunate to live near both a dunkin’ and starbucks location. my drink of choice at either is most often cold brew (even in winter) because it tastes good (with the appropriate number of flavor shots, of course), and because it “sits” with me much better than regularly-brewed coffee.

i tend to bounce back and forth between the two establishments, but a couple of years ago dunkin’ started producing a spider donut for halloween, and this year they appear to have taken the promotion to another level.

enter itsy bitsy baddie…

when I purchased my two dunkin’ spider donuts on day 1 of their promo, little did I know i would be earning a dunkin’ badge for doing so (the badge is just for show…no dough).

itsy bitsy baddie made me smile. not just because of its unexpected appearance and very cute name, but because it communicates in itsy bitsy lowercase…all of which combined to produce an uppercase SMILE for me.

thanks, itsy!

pictures courtesy dunkin’

The Grass Is Not Always Green

We have lived at our residence for twenty years. In that time, the yard has seen anything and everything weather in the Northeast US can provide. Thirty inches of snow and ice at once. Eight inches of rain in an hour. Two months with 90 degree temperatures and no rain. Numerous demented squirrels.

You can find great advice on the Internet about taking care of your lawn and in many cases it is contradictory. The only foolproof advice I have ever gotten for lawn care actually came from my wife. It was the year I accidentally grabbed the nonselective herbicide RoundUp instead of the selective herbicide Ortho Weed Clear and sprayed several dandelions in the front yard with it.

After we examined all the deceased grass in the wake of making that unfortunate substitution, Mrs. B’s sage advice was if I ever did that again, she would round up my sports memorabilia and spray RoundUp on it.

One of the things I obsess over is when to execute the very last mow of the year, trying to guess when grass-growing will slow to a crawl, as well as how high to leave the lawn for the off-season. Ten years ago, there was a particularly snowy and icy period one Fall before the yard had a chance to freeze, and with the grass sitting higher than I’d usually let it go, we had a resulting touch of what I learned later was snow mold. Snow mold does not do any permanent damage, but it was weird seeing parts of the lawn a shade of pink. At least we were fortunate enough to get the more colorful version, as the other shade of snow mold is apparently a very dull gray. However, you might not be shocked a partially pink yard isn’t that visually appealing either, so the goal since that incident is to keep any snow mold from happening so the lawn has a quieter transition into and out of dormancy.

I am admittedly a bit melancholy when the last mow of the year takes place. While the front yard here is for the most part level, the lawn on both sides of the house slope down severely through the backyard until it reaches the invisible property line shared with the home behind us. Push-mowing our yard provides good exercise, and when not mowing for a few months, I do try to incorporate other activities to replace it. Snowfall removal certainly gets the blood pumping, but that activity is sporadic as we don’t get quite as much snow as we used to. In any event, it is a good thing I am a “winter person” to begin with, as I do like to get outside no matter what the weather. I’ve been known to go to the basketball courts in the park and shoot hoops in snow flurries.

I’ve also been known to mow the lawn in snow flurries. I’m actually a bit of a celebrity in that regard. One of my neighbors told me after one late-year mow several years ago, I had been a source of great amusement for both her and her husband.

“Hey honey, come look. Bruce is mowing in the snow.”

Maybe I try a little too hard to coordinate and calculate the end of the growing season, getting the length of the grass just right. For those who enjoy lawncare analytics (no one), looking back over the last ten years my final mow of the year has occurred as follows:

2015 – 10/31

2016 – 11/19

2017 – 11/20

2018 – 11/8

2019 – 11/1

2020 – 11/20

2021 – 11/10

2022 – 11/10

2023 – 11/8

2024 – 10/15

(The irony is not lost on me the fact I have these dates may very well be a sign I take this too seriously….)

In any event, I am monitoring all the weather forecasts, examining the length of the blades of grass, and trying to time that final mow perfectly to ensure the yard has the best chance of staying greenish instead of pinkish. Or grayish. I know if it changes colors again, the lawn will eventually be fine, but I don’t want the yard to be stressed.

I could hire a lawn service to keep myself from being stressed, but could I ever put my yard in the hands of others, even if they appear to be as competent as I am?

Pictures Courtesy Advanced Turf/Great Lakes Landcare/Universal Studios