Tag: Humor

Dream A Little Scream Of Me

It is one of those moments that mark the unofficial start of Fall around these parts. The Field Of Screams in Mountville PA once again adds another chapter to their legacy of terrorizing young and old alike from September 11th through the middle of November. It is located about forty miles from where I live, but I have never gotten around to visiting it. Still, as a huge Halloween guy it seems like something I should make the trip for.

There are four main haunted attractions that require separate admissions, but the cost structure is designed for attendees to secure a “Scream Pass” (or even a “Group Scream Pass” for large parties) which gain you entry to each one.

I do have a few thoughts based on the Field Of Screams info provided about each attraction…

Haunted Hayride – “Prepare yourself for the most disturbing, the most heart-pounding, and the most intense ride of your life! There is no turning back as the tractor-pulled wagons take you on a horrifying hayride into the depths of our dark and sinister cornfield.”

“In just twenty minutes, every horror you have ever imagined will come to life and haunt you for the rest of your days.”

Dark and sinister cornfield, huh? When I was a kid who hadn’t taken possession of common sense yet, one year a bunch of us hid out in a big cornfield the night before Halloween and threw handfuls of corn at passing cars. Mind you, this was a back road where the top speed was approximately 10 mph, so it wasn’t quite as heinous as it sounds. However, during our Mischief Night adventure when those kernels hit one car in particular, the driver hit the brakes, parked in the street, and flung open their door.

My friend Mikey may still be running.

Den Of Darkness – “Three stories of sheer terror await as you creep through the dismal passageways and maddening mazes of this 200-year-old original barn. Incredible detail, dynamic set design, and a multitude of grotesque inhabitants guarantee high-impact scares and sensory overload!”

“The dark and mysterious past of the Den began when the Murter family resided there. Mr. Murter tortured both vagrants and locals who approached their land, and their blood still stains the ground. Years later the residence was renovated into The Garden Hotel and ironically the horrific killings increased. As the demented hotel staff committed torturous murders, many checked in but few checked out.”

Three stories? 200-year-old barn? I’m not so much worried about all those dismal passageways and maddening mazes as much as whether or not the barn floors will support any visitors. The Garden Hotel clearly has a severe Human Resources problem. To be honest, this place sounds an awful lot like The Hotel California. You can check out anytime you like…but you can never leave.

Frightmare Asylum – “Welcome to your worst Nightmare! Check in to your new living quarters at the Frightmare Asylum and become a part of the bone-chilling madness as you explore four floors of the demented and the deranged! Feel the fear as you meet the disturbed doctors and nightmarish nurses who have taken up residence here! Experience elaborate theming, state-of-the-art scares, and seemingly endless scenes and rooms that are packed with more cutting-edge special effects than you can handle. In the Frightmare Asylum, no one can hear you scream!”

“The malpractice of the doctors and nurses in the Asylum has caused the inmates to become unstable and prone to seek their revenge on all who enter the condemned building.”

Four floors? Condemned building? Visitors here clearly have to be more worried of dying from the Asylum collapsing upon itself more so than all those demented, deranged, revenge-minded inmates running amok. You say no one can hear you scream? That certainly tracks if you wind up under a massive pile of rubble. (It appears I might have some residual trauma from exploring less-than-safe abandoned structures on my town’s “wrong side of the tracks” when I was a kid…)

Nocturnal Wasteland – “In the foreboding and desolate woods on the Field of Screams property lies the Nocturnal Wasteland. As you walk down the narrow, winding paths through the dense overgrown vegetation, you will come face-to-face with the mutant creatures of this fear-filled forest! Your screams and cries for mercy will be too distant to be heard.”

“A walk-through Nocturnal Wasteland provides intense scares and heart-pounding experiences that will leave you screaming through the woods. The inhabitants of this Wasteland watch their visitors squirm and they show no mercy once they track you down. Experience the hair-raising touch of the brander’s tool and smell your own burning flesh as he presses the brand into your skin.”

Sounds like you make your way through a thick Jumanji-like jungle with bad actors trying to keep you from getting where you want to go. I have never experienced anything like that specifically, but I suppose it is a bit like those old 6 AM Black Friday sales. Those crowds always made me feel like I was in a cattle roundup, but fortunately for we shoppers there was no branding or burning flesh involved. (One Thanksgiving however, I did have the burning flesh experience while transferring the turkey from the oven to the counter but I digress…)

Now…for those of you who might for some reason (or lack thereof) need even more terror and horror at the Field Of Screams…I give you…Extreme Blackout.

Extreme Blackout – On Friday November 13th only, all four attractions of the Field of Screams show will be darker, more intense, and hands-on! You will be subject to new methods of torture, physical restraint, and isolation that are not a part of our regular season show. Extreme scare tactics and fear-inducing techniques will be incorporated as part of your Extreme Blackout experience. Not all will survive. Release waivers must be signed in order to participate!

And straight from that release waiver itself…

I UNDERSTAND THAT BY PURCHASING A TICKET TO PARTICIPATE IN EXTREME BLACKOUT, I MAY BE SUBJECT TO PHYSICAL RESTRAINT; ISOLATION; TORTURE; MISDIRECTION; DARK AND NARROW AREAS; DISORIENTING LIGHTING, SOUNDS, AND SPECIAL EFFECTS; PHYSICAL TOUCHING; AND OTHER SCARE TACTICS AND FEAR-INDUCING METHODS AND TECHINIQUES NOT MENTIONED HERE. I HAVE READ AND UNDERSTAND THIS AGREEMENT AND I AM AWARE THAT BY SIGNING THIS AGREEMENT I MAY BE WAIVING CERTAIN LEGAL RIGHTS, INCLUDING THE RIGHT TO SUE.

OK, this does NOT sound OK. Is it breaking news you have to sign a waiver to participate?

My wife is not into the horror performance art thing at all. She told me when we first met in the autumns of her youth, her youth group managed each year to find their way to various haunted hayrides and houses. She reminds me of this whenever I mention the two of us possibly going to Field Of Screams together. She thanks me for the offer, but advises she has already been sufficiently traumatized for life.

Me, I don’t know if I dream of doing this. I do love a well-done horror movie as much as the next person. But, do I really want to live one out, immersing myself in a hands-on experience like this? Extreme Blackout sounds very much like a near-Death experience, and since I’m on the backside of life, I don’t need to edge any closer to Death…so that one is a hard pass.

As for the four main attractions, I have a concern about the proximity of all those performers who jump out and grab at you while your senses are in a heightened, frightened state. I am concerned I might instinctively knock one of them out while in attack mode. Then…you’ve got real blood mixing with fake blood…various lawyers involved, etc. I think I’d have to recruit at least one person to accompany me to Field Of Screams…if for nothing else than to serve as a witness for the police report.

I know they get a ton of visitors there, and it sounds like everybody makes it back home in one piece. I don’t know what your experience is regarding attractions like this but I’ll pose the question here…would you dare go there for scares?

Pictures Courtesy Tripadvisor/Haunted Pennsylvania

The Drop Shot

One of the great American sporting traditions returns to the New York City region later this month, the U.S. Open Tennis Championships. I have talked repeatedly about attending one over the years and being a part of the unique, electric atmosphere associated with the event, but have never netted a couple of train tickets for my wife and I to head up to NYC and take in some of the action.

When I was growing up, my favorite tennis player was America’s Jimmy Connors. He was brash and bold, and played the kind of high-pressure tennis I liked to play (at). He also helped to expand the global use of the two-handed backhand (which I never mastered but always attempted). Alas, even though my parents bought me a version of his signature Wilson T2000 steel racket, he managed to do much better with his than I with mine. During his distinguished career, Connors made the U.S. Open finals seven times, winning five titles. Even more impressive, Jimmy won Open titles on three different surfaces…grass, clay, and hard court. One of the greatest to ever play the game.

I think professional tennis players today are at a major crossroads when it comes to addressing the relentless year-round scheduling and aggressive points system which drives it, the massive financial and physical cost of traveling all over the globe virtually non-stop, how lesser players can even afford to stay on the tour, and the absolute need for balance and transparency when dealing with top players found to have violated policies. None of these are new developments, but mental and physical well-being has become an even bigger area of concern, and while all the players on tour are trying to push through these challenges, some are becoming more vocal and active in their protests.

For this year’s tournament, when I last looked at the betting odds on the men’s side, they favor World #1 Jannik Sinner, looking for his second U.S. Open title. Defending champion and two-time winner Carlos Alcaraz is the second betting favorite, but he’s been out for almost four months with a wrist injury. French Open champ and World #2 Alexander Zverev, four-time champion Novak Djokovic, and Americans Ben Shelton and Taylor Fritz round out the top six. On the women’s side, two-time defending champion and World #1 Aryna Sabalenka is the betting favorite, followed by 2023 champ American Coco Gauff, 2022 champion Iga Swiatek, World #2 Elena Rybakina, French Open champion Mirra Andreeva, and Filipino breakout star Alexandra Eala.

Players always face a grueling couple of weeks in Queens. The demanding hardcourts, the high humidity, the crowd noise, the late nights when the schedule demands it, and the late-season fatigue they have to fight through. It makes for very compelling television, and I try to tune in as much as possible. I am a bigger fan of the sport than Mrs. B, and perhaps to at least some extent that would be due to a tennis-playing incident from some years back.

At one point, my wife and I were playing tennis at least once a week. Never in a competitive way, mind you. We simply went out for an hour or so sticking to the baselines, volleying back and forth.

That is…until the drop shot.

It was a weeknight. The temperature was around 70F. No wind to speak of. No one playing on the court next to us…although there were a couple of guys playing on the court one removed from where we were, so periodically we served as ball persons for each other’s play. Otherwise, it was absolutely perfect conditions for twilight tennis on a well-kept, public court.

We were about a half-hour into play when “it” occurred.

Mind you, we always kept score even though our shared goal was to just extend points, get some good exercise, and simply enjoy the outdoors. My wife, a pretty good athlete back in the day, was actually beating me this particular game. She had just returned my shot from deep in the corner when I executed “the drop shot.”

To this day, my wife insists it was because I was losing and consciously wanted to win the point. My claim to this day is my highly-competitive mind and muscles simply converged in that one, fateful moment…and I subconsciously went all-in for a winning shot…finessing it just up and over the net.

It was without a doubt the greatest drop shot I have ever hit.

My wife, reacting to my truncated stroke and setting aside that goal to take things easy, attempted to sprint all the way from the back court in a spectacularly athletic – yet predictably futile – fashion to reach the ball in time.

Futile intersected with fall. My wife went down several feet from the net in a full-on, concrete face plant.

I really thought she was dead.

Mind you I was gratified to have won the point, but I decided to first check on my wife before retrieving the ball. As I got to her, she was rolling onto her side and making low, unintelligible sounds which indicated she was, a) alive and, b) able to move.

Me: “Are you OK? What hurts?

Her: “My hand.”

Me: “Just your hand? Great!”

Her: “Great? No, not great. It hurts. A lot. I think I broke it.”

This is when I automatically switched into ultra-positive mode. Knowing my wife as I do, it would be important at this point to assure her she was OK, and that hand would be just fine with some rest and TLC. It did seem like her hand took the brunt of the impact. This was a good thing, because her head was next in line if that hand had not been extended to break her fall. The question now…was the hand actually broken?

I quickly got her to her feet and into our car so, if nothing else, to reassure those guys playing nearby a hearse would indeed not be required.

I drove her to a nearby Wawa convenience store to get some much-needed ice for her injury. I left her in the car briefly, returning as quickly as I could with an ice-cold beverage for her, lots of ice for her hand…and a copy of the latest edition of the TV Guide (out on their newsstands earlier than usual…!).

Her: “You thought about buying the TV Guide during THIS?”

Me: “I got it early!”

Moments later, as I was getting her cooled down and set-up in a more comfortable position for the drive home, I was trying to adjust the angle of her seat to make her more comfortable…when I made her more horizontal as the seat control got away from me. She actually managed a laugh about that, watching me being flustered trying to get the seat corrected. Good sign. Laughter IS the best medicine.

Until the next day of course, when her hand looked like one of those cartoon character balloons in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.

Off to the doctor. Then the hospital. Multiple X-rays. No break. Bad sprain. Two weeks of rest.

Since then, conversations of my drop shot placement usually go like this:

Her: “You know you hit that shot on purpose.”

Me: “I just reacted. It was instinct. You were so far away, and the shot was there for the taking. I never, ever thought you’d actually try to go for it. I didn’t mean to almost kill you.”

Her: “Well, you almost did.”

Me: “Again, I’m sorry. You know, I really thought you were dead for a second. I’ll never forget that sight. It was awful.”

Her: “I still can’t believe you bought that TV Guide.”

Me: “I got it early!”

 

Picture Courtesy iStock

 

A Charlie Brown Christmas – The Dancers

Thanksgiving Week is here…when Mrs. B and I acknowledge Christmas is not that far off. I have mentioned previously my dislike of Christmas “moving back” in the calendar. We love Christmas. We just don’t love it being promoted during the summer. I love me some Halloween first…and Pumpkin Spice…and leaves. But I digress…

One of my earliest and most cherished childhood memories was seeing the Charlie Brown Christmas special each year. To this very day, I consider no Holiday season complete unless I watch it again. If you feel the same, you may be interested in hunting down a copy of the most comprehensive book on the show I know of, “A Charlie Brown Christmas – The Making Of A Tradition,” which was first published back in October, 2000. It is a fantastic behind-the-scenes look at the genesis, production, and presentation of this historic piece of television born from the legendary comic strip, “Peanuts.”

On the morning of Christmas Day 2015, the data-themed website known as FiveThirtyEight posted a feature entitled “The ‘Charlie Brown Christmas Special’ Dancers You Most Want To Party With.” It was co-written by Walt Hickey and Leah Libresco. These two really put a fun spin on this classic episode of television that day, and hopefully you’ll enjoy it being replicated here.

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It’s a debate as old as time — or, at least as old as 1965’s “A Charlie Brown Christmas Special.” Of the many revelers throwing down sick moves to “Linus & Lucy” by The Vince Guaraldi Trio, who would you most like to party with? So as part of our Christmas Special Thunderdome, we set them up in a series of head-to-head battles and asked voters to decide the winner. Here they are, ranked by the percentage of matchups each won:

11. Sally (30 percent)

Walt: Sally is trying.

Leah: She’s kind of in her own space, having a good time but not drawing me in.

Walt: Nice little one-two step, you know? Basic moves, trucking right along. Go Sally. We have all been there.

10. The Girl In Green (30 percent)

Leah: These are pretty hesitant moves, but if she did this with a little more force, she could be rocking a bullfighting/paso doble thing.

Walt: Right, so I have a specific love for the girl in green, mainly because I, like most people, have been to a middle school dance. This is the dance that you do before your friend in the eighth grade tells you to stop using your arms so much.

Leah: My default in those moments was the Twist.

Walt: My default was “I want to punch the air, but the air right above my head, in particular.” I don’t really disagree with this ranking, but I admit I see far too much of my younger self in the girl in green.

Leah: Just so you know, the usual instruction for stage punches is “Punch a parrot on the shoulder of your scene partner.” You’re pretty close.

9. Pig-Pen (33 percent)

Leah: On the one hand, you get joyful abandon (plus he’s a musician). On the other hand, you get a dirt cloud even worse than when I hang around smoker friends.

Walt: I worry Pig-Pen may have been disadvantaged by the question.

Leah: How so?

Walt: We asked, “who would you most like to party with?” And the answer is never the filthy bassist, you know?

8. Schroeder (41 percent)

Leah: I mean, it’s clear Schroeder doesn’t want to party with us, so this 41 percent must be the ones who like ‘em coy.

Walt: “I’d never join any club that would have me as a member” is Schroeder’s motto. As far as he is concerned, he’s just playing a bit of piano, the party just comes to him.

Leah: Personally, I’d leave him to Lucy.

7. Linus (48 percent)

Walt: Now we’re getting somewhere. Linus knows what’s up. This is exactly how I dance to “Get Low.”

Leah: Gotta say, I think there are some good opportunities for partner dance with the blanket. I have some swing moves I could adapt.

Walt: Unpolished, but going for it. I think Linus is underrated.

Leah: I’ll party with him if our readers won’t.

6. The Girl With Red Hair (49 percent)

Leah: I am, of course, in favor of Frieda, because like her I have naturally curly hair. Unlike her, I have (I think) other distinguishing traits.

Walt: She looks like she’s swinging a person around but forgot to get a person. Appropriately rated.

Leah: I am a fan of her exuberance. Minimalism is only for experts.

5. The Dude In Green (54 percent)

Walt: I love this dude.

Leah: Nice moves, but feels more like a soloist than someone I’m going to dance with.

Walt: Right, like when a random circle opens up on the dance floor, you know this guy would think “my moment has arrived,” and just slay it in the center.

Leah: Exactly. But not the guy I want to spend the whole party with.

Walt: No way. Michael Jackson was lost and alone in 1982, waiting for his next big dance, and then on comes “A Charlie Brown Christmas Special” and presumably the rest is Moonwalk history. True story that I just made up.

4. Snoopy (59 percent)

Walt: WAY OVERRATED.

Leah: I mean, not as great here, but he’s got a pair of aviator goggles.

Walt: Leah, listen to the song “Linus and Lucy,” there is not a guitar part.

Leah: He’s in deep cover to catch the Red Baron’s agents?

Walt: There are two strings on his guitar, Leah. This is a dog phoning it in. He shows up to your party and sits in the corner and says “Hey, do y’all know ‘Wonderwall’?” and drinks all your Bud Heavy.

3 and 2. The Girls In Pink (64 percent and 65 percent)

girl_in_pink

girl_in_pink2

Leah: So, twins, I guess.

Walt: I normally hate arbitrarily lumping twins together — they’re two separate people with rich and distinct inner lives! — but this is either some twin coordination or a hungover animator.

Leah: They’ve got my favorite moves on the floor, so if anyone was going to be copy-and-pasted.

Walt: There’s so much nuance in the moves! At first, you just think, “Oh, they’re waving their arms around,” but then you see the footwork.

Leah: The double taps!

Walt: This was “whip my hair back and forth” decades before Willow dropped the track.

1. This Guy In The Orange (75 percent)

Leah: See, this is the kind of dancer who can pull off minimalist moves.

Walt: The only reason I would not want this guy at my party is he would hook up with everyone.

Leah: So, are you against meritocracy, Walt?

Walt: Far from it, just intimidated by greatness. This man is a force of nature. Look at the footwork!

Leah: It’s great top to bottom. But not as aggressively showy as the guy in green. If only we knew the name of this background guy to send him an invite to the office bash.

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After looking over all these entries, I do think two best represent how I worked the floor during my peak dancing years. Early at the club or a party…my moves resembled Linus. By the end of the night…The Dude In Green.

Charles Schulz, the genius behind “Peanuts,” was born in Minneapolis, Minnesota on November 26, 1922. His comic strip has meant so much to so many people of all ages over all these years…including this memorable Christmas classic. Happy Birthday, Charles…and thank you!

Pictures Courtesy Amazon/FiveThirtyEight

The Voice Of Halloween

 

This little dude entered our household ten years ago. Five years ago, his life changed a bit as he lost his voice. Now to be honest, he did not produce a bat sound…or a particularly scary sound at that. It was more of a “whirr.” Nonetheless, when we purchased him to add to our internal Halloween decorations, when squeezed he produced a mighty, hearty “whirr.”

We still put him out each Halloween, and when I look at him, I will sometimes find myself mumbling that “whirr” sound to myself. It serves as a reminder even if a part of something (of us!) no longer functions as originally designed, it (we!) still has (have!) great value.

I have recently read a few things online which make me think his voice box could be successfully brought back to life, but he already provides for us just by hanging out and being a bat. I am somewhat hesitant to start busting his seams open and performing open bat surgery just to hear a sound I am already making myself.

I think sometimes in our pursuit of perfectionism we can get too zealous and not leave well enough alone. For example, when you go to trim your eyebrows to perfection and think maybe the right side needs just a little more off…wait, back to the left side to even it up…wait…what the hell did I just do to my eyebrows?

Or, when your wife decides the holly bushes need a trim and she sets out to just take a “little” off. These two look good…let me even them up with those over here…oh, maybe a little less back here now…oops…honey?

(On a side-note, I find it amusing my wife has no issue whatsoever with the high-pitched screaming of the hedge trimmer, or the relentless chugging of the snow blower. She loves using those power tools. Yet, she rails against the relatively low sound the mini-vacuum makes. I have formed an opinion she does not like vacuuming. In any case, her passion for power tools keeps me honest…and volunteering to do the vacuuming myself…)

Bat-dude will continue to take his place each Halloween, having successfully pivoted to a “new” life. And…on Halloween night he will stand in attendance as trick-or-treaters visit our home. We usually get 80-100 kids each year. A lot of them travel with adults, and it is nice to see families still supporting a tradition I have always held dear to my heart. Traditions seem to be so much harder to maintain today. I would like to think opening our door on Halloween gives voice to those who want to see this tradition of the holiday continue, but can no longer participate themselves.

Aside from making it a special evening for the kids, it is a chance for all of us who wave hello at a distance 364 days of the year to interact a bit more closely, if only for a few moments. Most households have their outdoor lights on and doors open, and it is nice people who might disagree on other subjects (especially these days) find common ground in trying to make Halloween special for our youth…and hopefully for ourselves as well.

Whether it be watching a scary movie, noshing on some candy, participating in a costume party, waiting on the Great Pumpkin, or just enjoying the decorations…have a safe and Happy Halloween.

Pictures Courtesy IMDb/Wikipedia

itsy bitsy baddie

i have an increased desire for finding more amusement these days. the reason is as simple as in a world gone completely mad, it is really nice on occasion to find something surprising that also makes me smile.

i am fortunate enough to be able to spend some of my money on coffee, and equally as fortunate to live near both a dunkin’ and starbucks location. my drink of choice at either is most often cold brew (even in winter) because it tastes good (with the appropriate number of flavor shots, of course), and because it “sits” with me much better than regularly-brewed coffee.

i tend to bounce back and forth between the two establishments, but a couple of years ago dunkin’ started producing a spider donut for halloween, and this year they appear to have taken the promotion to another level.

enter itsy bitsy baddie…

when I purchased my two dunkin’ spider donuts on day 1 of their promo, little did I know i would be earning a dunkin’ badge for doing so (the badge is just for show…no dough).

itsy bitsy baddie made me smile. not just because of its unexpected appearance and very cute name, but because it communicates in itsy bitsy lowercase…all of which combined to produce an uppercase SMILE for me.

thanks, itsy!

pictures courtesy dunkin’

The Grass Is Not Always Green

We have lived at our residence for twenty years. In that time, the yard has seen anything and everything weather in the Northeast US can provide. Thirty inches of snow and ice at once. Eight inches of rain in an hour. Two months with 90 degree temperatures and no rain. Numerous demented squirrels.

You can find great advice on the Internet about taking care of your lawn and in many cases it is contradictory. The only foolproof advice I have ever gotten for lawn care actually came from my wife. It was the year I accidentally grabbed the nonselective herbicide RoundUp instead of the selective herbicide Ortho Weed Clear and sprayed several dandelions in the front yard with it.

After we examined all the deceased grass in the wake of making that unfortunate substitution, Mrs. B’s sage advice was if I ever did that again, she would round up my sports memorabilia and spray RoundUp on it.

One of the things I obsess over is when to execute the very last mow of the year, trying to guess when grass-growing will slow to a crawl, as well as how high to leave the lawn for the off-season. Ten years ago, there was a particularly snowy and icy period one Fall before the yard had a chance to freeze, and with the grass sitting higher than I’d usually let it go, we had a resulting touch of what I learned later was snow mold. Snow mold does not do any permanent damage, but it was weird seeing parts of the lawn a shade of pink. At least we were fortunate enough to get the more colorful version, as the other shade of snow mold is apparently a very dull gray. However, you might not be shocked a partially pink yard isn’t that visually appealing either, so the goal since that incident is to keep any snow mold from happening so the lawn has a quieter transition into and out of dormancy.

I am admittedly a bit melancholy when the last mow of the year takes place. While the front yard here is for the most part level, the lawn on both sides of the house slope down severely through the backyard until it reaches the invisible property line shared with the home behind us. Push-mowing our yard provides good exercise, and when not mowing for a few months, I do try to incorporate other activities to replace it. Snowfall removal certainly gets the blood pumping, but that activity is sporadic as we don’t get quite as much snow as we used to. In any event, it is a good thing I am a “winter person” to begin with, as I do like to get outside no matter what the weather. I’ve been known to go to the basketball courts in the park and shoot hoops in snow flurries.

I’ve also been known to mow the lawn in snow flurries. I’m actually a bit of a celebrity in that regard. One of my neighbors told me after one late-year mow several years ago, I had been a source of great amusement for both her and her husband.

“Hey honey, come look. Bruce is mowing in the snow.”

Maybe I try a little too hard to coordinate and calculate the end of the growing season, getting the length of the grass just right. For those who enjoy lawncare analytics (no one), looking back over the last ten years my final mow of the year has occurred as follows:

2015 – 10/31

2016 – 11/19

2017 – 11/20

2018 – 11/8

2019 – 11/1

2020 – 11/20

2021 – 11/10

2022 – 11/10

2023 – 11/8

2024 – 10/15

(The irony is not lost on me the fact I have these dates may very well be a sign I take this too seriously….)

In any event, I am monitoring all the weather forecasts, examining the length of the blades of grass, and trying to time that final mow perfectly to ensure the yard has the best chance of staying greenish instead of pinkish. Or grayish. I know if it changes colors again, the lawn will eventually be fine, but I don’t want the yard to be stressed.

I could hire a lawn service to keep myself from being stressed, but could I ever put my yard in the hands of others, even if they appear to be as competent as I am?

Pictures Courtesy Advanced Turf/Great Lakes Landcare/Universal Studios